Week XXXIV (367): Future Schlock


A line we will not find in the next Harry Potter book: "Don't Bogart that joint, Hermione."

A line that will not appear in Bill Clinton's memoirs: "It is ironic, really, that I got in so much trouble over Ms. Lewinsky but nary a word was heard about those twin sisters . . ."

This Week's Contest: Come up with a line that surely will not appear in an upcoming work. First-prize winner gets a framed original oil portrait of John F. Kennedy donated to The Style Invitational by Scott Weinstein of Silver Spring. This is a truly fine portrait, in which the artist makes certain unusual anatomic interpretations. The martyred 35th president, for example, appears to have a goiter we do not recall. As always, we took this portrait to Paul Richard, the Washington Post art critic who contends that inasmuch as all art attempts to express genuine emotion, no work of art can be called "bad." Paul studied this portrait for some time and authorized the following review: "I will concede that the ear is problematic." 

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXXIV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XXX (363), in which we asked you to take the name of a movie and make it the answer to a riddle.

Fourth Runner-Up:

Answer: The Thirty-Nine Steps.
Question: What would a recovery program look like if it were designed by Congress? (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

Third Runner-Up:

Answer: God Is My Co-Pilot.
Question: What is the motto of EgyptAir? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Second Runner-Up: 

Answer: Nosferatu.
Question: What was the sequel to "Nosfera"? (Chris Doyle, Burke)

First Runner-Up: 

Answer: Airplane!
Question: What is the last thing you want to hear when making love on what you thought was a deserted runway? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

And the winner of the "Cecil B. Demented" promo kit:

Answer: Only You.
Question: Is it only me, or is it high time for Pee-wee Herman to make a big comeback? (David Genser, Arlington)

Honorable mentions:

Answer: Sympathy for the Devil.
Question: If Satan married Darva Conger, what would you feel?

(Chris Doyle, Burke)

Answer: Attica.
Question: What is Martha Stewart's cutesy-poo name for the stuff she stores in the top floor of her home? (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

Answer: Being John Malkovich.
Question: What is better than being Izzy Malkovich? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Answer: The English Patient.
Question: Which patient is least likely to complain about the lousy hospital food? (David Genser, Arlington)

Answer: Brazil.
Question: What is the capital of Argentina? (George W. Bush, Austin; Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

Answer: Ordinary People.
Question: What do you get when you put ordinary people on a remote island for 39 days? (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Answer: Fanny by Gaslight.
Question: What is the advertising slogan of Ye Olde Proctologist? (Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring)

Answer: Ice Station Zebra.
Question: What is the Secret Service code name for the White House master bedroom? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Answer: The Last of the Mohicans.
Question: Who was Running Eunuch? (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Answer: Malcolm X.
Question: What was the sequel to "Malcolm IX"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Answer: Punchline.
Question: What was best to avoid in Jonestown? (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Answer: Total Recall.
Question: What ever happened to that product, "Baby's First Bunsen Burner?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Answer: The Player.
Question: Which is better, Michael Jordan the baseball player or Michael Jordan the basketball executive? (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Answer: Apocalypse Now.
Question: In order of desirability, rank a feminist organization and the end of the world by hellfire. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Answer: Eyes Wide Shut.
Question: What is the best way to watch the movie "Eyes Wide Shut"? (Roger and Pam Dalrymple, Potomac Falls)

Answer: The Day the Earth Stood Still.
Question: How do you describe really, really bad sex? (Greg Arnold, Herndon; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Answer: Hocus Pocus.
Question: Name an ancient Roman magician. (Richard A. Licata, Wheaton)

Answer: Virtuosity.
Question: What does one lose the first time one has cybersex? (Stephanie Cangin, Roanoke)

Answer: Beach Blanket Bingo.
Question: What is easier than beach blanket chess? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Answer: Duck Soup.
Question: What is good advice for a food fight? (David Genser, Arlington)

The Uncle's Pick:

Answer: The Sound of Music.

Question: What do you hear when you fall in love? (Cheryl C. Kagan and David Spitzer, Rockville)

The Uncle Explains: I am delighted to report that this entry was written on her honeymoon by Mrs. David Spitzer.

Next Week: Low Marks